he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
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I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
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