My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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