if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
