I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
