Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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