I just saw a hot homeless man
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
