I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
