dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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