The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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