I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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