I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
