The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
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He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
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You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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