Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
