i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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