eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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