Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
