fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
