this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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