His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
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