Define "chronic" masturbator.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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