its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
