Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
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He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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