you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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