i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
