ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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