I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
