lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
