I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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