I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
