I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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