you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
