Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
