In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
