My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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