Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
