Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
