I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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