I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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