After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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