there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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