you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
