I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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