The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
