I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
