I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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