Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
