I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
