Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
