Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
