First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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