Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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