i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
