i used baking grease as lip gloss
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
