oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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