in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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