You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Randomize
