we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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