my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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